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Empowering women to conquer hidden pain
I work with women who struggle with blended high/low self esteem. To the outside world, we are successful and have our shit together. Except we are masters at hiding pain. Inside, we have a black hole filled with guilt, shame, and feeling unworthy. We feel stress managing family, life, career, relationships, and don't feel good enough. We carry trauma in our bodies and it shows up in our daily life. From a young age, we learned self betrayal was pivotal to be worthy of love and to feel good enough. We didn't have a voice.
Before we could even speak, we developed negative beliefs.
I’m unloveable” ~“I’m broken”~“I’m unworthy” ~“I don’t matter” ~I should have known better”~ “I don’t trust myself”~ “I’m not fixable” ~“I’m responsible for everything”~
I’m unloveable” ~“I’m broken”~“I’m unworthy” ~“I don’t matter” ~I should have known better”~ “I don’t trust myself”~ “I’m not fixable” ~“I’m responsible for everything”~
Self-abandonment became the mask to hide the parts of us that weren’t accepted by others. We willingly discarded and buried them to the graveyard of exiles deep within us. The parts that were called “too sensitive, too emotional, too much, too dramatic, too _____.” Those are the parts of us frozen in shame, guilt, rejection and abandonment. How we show up and interact in our current life, all are ways to avoid experiencing those things. Self-abandonment is a protective part that allowed us to show up in whatever way we needed to for others, even if our outside mask didn’t match our insides. It’s an exhausting life to show the world one thing, while feeling different and deeply on the inside. It’s a heaviness that seeps into our bones, leaving us wondering if it can ever be changed.
We rejected our true self and instead became hyperaware of our surroundings to maintain a sense of safety. This required us to suppress our most authentic parts, disregard our boundaries, and prioritize others at the expense of our own well-being in the pursuit of love and acceptance. Our focus shifted towards pleasing our parents or caregivers to maintain their happiness, disregarding our own needs and comfort in the process. This pattern is driven by a deep-seated fear of losing love and connection. Self-abandonment masquerades in many ways until we are brave enough to say, “no more.”
It might look like but not limited to:
wanting to be fully seen and feeling invisible because it’s safer
experiencing Imposter Syndrome despite our success
controlling the uncontrollable
needing to be liked at all costs
feeling obligated to say YES when we want to say NO
saying “I’m fine,” even when we aren’t and dismiss our own feelings and needs, so others don’t feel inconvenienced
the “I-got-this-even-when -I -really -don’t -got -this -because- I -can’t- ask- for -help” mentality
Pushing someone away to avoid rejection
constantly feeling overwhelmed and exhausted
trying to outsmart our emotions so we don’t have to feel; (Hello, intellectualizing superstar. I see you.)
finding ourselves in unhealthy relationships that repeat past patterns
battling depression, anxiety and feeling scattered while looking successful
feeling stuck despite looking like we have our shit together
discounting our achievements so others around us don’t feel bad
saying “I got lucky” instead of acknowledging the hard work we’ve done to get to where we are
feeling numb
coping with alcohol to dull the sharp edges of life
disordered eating patterns that stem from childhood
Feeling alone and hiding the loneliness through isolation
believing no one else feels this way and scared to open up for fear of judgement (yet we are the harshest critics of ourselves; no one can even top our vicious internal dialogue )